I have this terrible habit of writing “the End” without a period. It is my ode to the world and the continuum that is life. It is also a way of holding on to that which I can’t let go of. I know better and have acted with grace. The source eludes me. All I wanted to do was scream and rant and burst out crying before crumbling into a heap. Instead, I straightened my back, swept my hair from my face and said my farewells. Walking away was easy not speaking every word on my mind was a struggle.
For all that has happened, this is not the end. Life has a way of moving in circles – they are often wider and cross territory unknown but they remain circles nonetheless.
When I was about 15 years old, my History teacher told me that life teaches you lessons and if you don’t learn them the first time around they get harder so it is a good thing to get it the first time. I tried this for a long. I hurt myself with the blunt truth and brutal honesty. I am my harshest critic and no one needs to be hard on me, I am unmatched in this department. I am as harsh on my friends and expect a lot from them. I stand by this. I also understand that people are flawed and have weaknesses. I accept this in my friends. On the other hand, I need to be surrounded by a certain type of person. What I now realise is that one lesson that never occurred to me, is that I need to learn to be gentle with myself…
I need to understand the spaces I was in when I made decisions and I took certain actions. I’ve made mistakes and don’t have a clean track record. But I am aware of my mistakes – painfully so. I can’t undo them, I can only learn from them and I am trying. Trying is all we can do.